A Christmas Letter That Doesn’t Make You Hate Yourself

It’s time for the Annual Christmas Letters to start arriving.

I don’t write one, figuring that if you don’t already know what’s going on with us, we don’t like you that much anyway. Plus, I’m always depressed after hearing about how great everyone else’s lives are. After all, I didn’t put in a pool last year… or save a whale/cure Chlamydia/get my PhD/bear famous offspring/visit an orphanage/run for office/kick the booze/etc.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Come on people, it’s the darkest time of the year. Get into the spirit! Don’t tell us how great you are; tell us stuff that makes us feel superior! Tell us something like this:

 

“To our distant relatives and obligatory acquaintances:

We can’t be there to enjoy the sweet-potato-brussel-sprout pie with you all, thanks to that pesky restraining order, so we’ll share the highlights of our past year like this.

First of all, that thing on Dear Hubby’s neck turned out to be benign. What a blessing! They won’t take it off, as it’s no danger, but it scares the grandkids so I made him a scarf. He won’t wear it (he’s grown fond of “Scabby”) but since he’s not around much, it’s okay. (Dear Hubby travels five days a week, which is terrifically satisfying for us both. LOL!)

Speaking of our darling dumplings: our oldest has moved her trailer onto the pad beside ours! She’s now a happily-single mother, since the father of the third one disappeared. I loved him dearly but, to be honest, he was a bit of a felon.

Seriously, I’m such a lucky Grandma to have them constantly underfoot! Turns out we don’t need a fancy “house” to be happy; we just need our wonderful family – and separate TVs, LOL!

Middle child is like a whole new person, since they changed her meds. She’s now pursuing her dream of becoming a taxidermist and if her work on our dearly departed cat, Stink-Eye, is any indication, she’s found her niche. And they said she shouldn’t be around knives!

Just goes to show you, doctors aren’t always right! LOL! (Don’t worry, sis, I know Johnny is a better-than-average doctor. We’re so lucky to have such an accomplished, handsome, smart, sweet nephew in our gene pool. I KNOW.)

Our own baby boy might not be a doctor, but we’re still proud of him! He’s really turned things with his new business venture! We’re not too sure of the details; at first he said it was agricultural. Now he says it involves cooking. Who knows these days? And not to brag, but it sure brings in the cash! Just last week, he bought me a skillet!

Perfect timing because since the menopause, I’ve been a wee bit moody and I find throwing cookware helps. It’s great exercise! LOL! And thanks to the hot flashes, I haven’t had to plug in the heat yet this winter! Bonus!(The beard was a surprise, but I’ll wax when he wears the scarf.)

And now, an announcement: I’ve started my own business! I’ll have more details when the kit arrives but for now let’s just say that it could put Dr. Johnny out of business! LOL!

Seriously, I believe in this product 110% and I know you will too. Also, I’ll be making $4000 a week – and without a medical degree! LOL!

But of course, it’s not about the money – it’s all about giving back. I just feel blessed to be doing what I’m meant to do, brightening my little corner of the world.

Love and Merry Christmas from our trailer park to yours!”

 

You see? Nothing lifts the spirits like a little seasonal Schadenfreude! (Although rum-and-egg-nog works, too.)

Tell us your favorite guilty Christmas pleasure before December 14 – one lucky commenter will win a $25 Amazon gift card!

And don’t forget to hop over to the other Entangled author blogs! There are lots of other prizes to be won! 

95 comments


  • Haha!! Okay that story was just awesome!! S, guilty pleasure… I don’t really know. Oh, Trader Joe’s makes these really amazing chewy eggnog cookies and I could seriously eat box after box of them. And gingersnaps. I love gingersnaps.
    booklovingme AT gmail DOT com

    December 07, 2012
    • Eggnog cookies, another thing I need to try! And I’m with you on gingersnaps – as long as they’re the chewy kind, not the crisp kind. Yummmmm…

      December 07, 2012
  • Catherine

    That’s a hoot. I’d love to RECEIVE a Christmas letter like that….but not to SEND one. UGH. My favorite Christmas guilty pleasure has to be watching EVERY Hallmark and Lifetime Channel holiday movie. It’s practically a full-time job but it’s a compulsion. I can’t help myself.

    December 07, 2012
    • I know, holiday movies are the best. I watched Love, Actually again last night … and cried… AGAIN!

      December 07, 2012
  • Kim

    My favorite guilty pleasure is the hot cocoa from Coffee Bean (Red Velvet hot cocoa).

    December 07, 2012
    • Whoa. Red Velvet hot cocoa sounds truly decadent!

      December 07, 2012
  • Eva

    Definitely puppy chow (I only make it at Christmas!), hallmark and lifetime Christmas movies, and my brother in law’s fried cauliflower that he only makes once a year!

    December 07, 2012
    • Okay, puppy chow? And fried cauliflower? Recipes, Eva, we need recipes!!

      December 07, 2012
      • Kris

        I love Puppy chow too.

        Off the top of my head, its chocolate, peanut butter, chex mix and powdered sugar. I’ll be back with the recipe.

        December 07, 2012
  • Rebe

    Definitely Godiva hot chocolate – it’s so yummy!

    December 07, 2012
    • Hot chocolate appeals to me at Christmas, too, but what I really want to try is that salted caramel whatever-it’s-called drink at Starbucks. I *LOVE* salted caramel…

      December 07, 2012
  • Celia

    I go looking on YouTube for Flash-mob scenes of singers singing Christmas songs/hymns. Sigh. I’m so irreligious, but I do love those.

    December 07, 2012
    • Flash-mobs and YouTube carol singers – I’ve got a blog on these coming up shortly! I love them, too!

      December 07, 2012
  • My favorite holiday guilty pleasure is… pretending to sleep in on Christmas morning while my sister’s trying to wake me up.

    December 07, 2012
    • LOL! Christmas morning shouldn’t start until the coffee is brewed and the toast has popped.

      December 07, 2012
  • laurie g

    for sure chocolate!

    December 07, 2012
    • The chocoholics are out in force this time of year!

      December 07, 2012
  • Natasha

    Sugar cookies. Thanks for the chance to win!
    natasha_donohoo_8 at hotmail dot com

    December 07, 2012
    • Oh sugar cookies, I forgot about those… I like the kind you can decorate with icing and all the little bits-and-pieces.

      December 07, 2012
  • dark chocolate short bread stars from Trader Joe’s! I buy 5 boxes because you can only get them in Dec.

    December 07, 2012
    • Whoa, another thing I need to look for.

      December 07, 2012
  • Sarah Handrich

    My guilty pleasure would be all the desserts!

    mamamoss08 AT hotmail DOT com

    December 07, 2012
    • Yup, bad time of year for the waistline. And the triglycerides… and the blood glucose… sigh

      December 07, 2012
  • Leela Lou

    Ok…guilty pleasure..I went down south and started a mean southern Iced Tea habit. I may need rehab or a treadmill….this is my cry for help :)

    Merry Christmas

    I loved your letter :)
    Leela Lou

    December 07, 2012
    • Thanks, Leela Lou! And tea?! TEA? is your guilty pleasure?? Unless there’s a cheesecake at the bottom of your cup, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

      December 07, 2012
  • Kris

    My holiday guilty pleasure — Peppermint JO JOs from Trader Joes (when someoen sends them to me)

    Otherwise — Hot Apple Cider. YUM

    December 07, 2012
    • Is Trader Joes an American thing? Should I be looking for it here in BC? Sounds like something I should know about…

      December 07, 2012
      • Kris

        http://www.traderjoes.com/stores/index.asp

        I think so. I don’t have one local at all. I fell in love with them when I flew across country to take my daughter for her kidney surgery in Boston.

        December 08, 2012
        • Looks like there’s one just over the border in WA. I’ll have to look it up next time I go.

          December 08, 2012
  • Jennifer

    My guilty pleasure is starbucks coffee… I mean.. specially during the holidays, and when it’s cold out I’m going there A LOT – even a few times a day.. shhh!

    December 07, 2012
    • Yeah, Starbucks rules.

      December 07, 2012
  • KimberlyFDR

    My guilty pleasures are food. I make a Death by Chocolate cake every year, along with holiday punch. Sugar overload, but worth it!

    December 07, 2012
    • Death by Chocolate, the best way to go!

      December 07, 2012
  • Jackie Wisherd

    One of my guilty pleasures is to buy myself a gift too…something I have been wanting. It’s fun to buy for others but I deserve to be nice to myself once in awhile.

    December 07, 2012
    • Ah yes, the for-me present. My favorite kind.

      December 07, 2012
  • Dawna Newman

    Homemade fudge is my guilty pleasure that and Buckeyes.

    vampiremistress2010(at)gmail(dot)com

    December 07, 2012
    • Oh me too – especially the way my friend Tracy makes it – with liqueur. SO yummy!

      December 07, 2012
  • Lynne

    Very fun blog. You know my ridiculous guilty pleasure of late is Rice Krispie squares! isn’t that ridiculous but it’s just so easy to make if you have the ingredients on hand! And then you can make them into cute little shapes!

    December 07, 2012
    • Thanks, Lynne! Rice Krispie squares are so simple but there’s something incredibly satisfying about them. For me, it’s the chewy texture. I always put extra marshmallows in, to make sure they’re nice and gooey!

      December 08, 2012
  • My mom makes this cookie ball thing covered with powdered sugar. She refuses to share the recipe with me but at least she shares the cookies :)

    December 07, 2012
    • My mom always made Porcupine Balls – graham crumbs, walnuts, condensed milk, chocolate, (probably other stuff that I can’t remember) all rolled in coconut – and we LOVED them! It was a Christmas must-have. Hm. Maybe I should make some today…

      December 08, 2012
  • Penni

    My guilty pleasure is my home made cheesecakes! I seriously eat way too much of it every year….good thing I only make it once a year! And its not that cream cheese block type it’s the whole nine yards of baked cheesecake and fresh toppings. (My great grandma’s secret recipe) I was lucky enough to be the one who get her recipe box a couple years ago :-D

    December 08, 2012
    • I’m an avid cheesecake fan myself, Penni. I have a good baked recipe, but I’ve got an unbaked one that my kids actually like better! I love them both, so it’s win-win for me.

      December 08, 2012
  • Rita Wray

    Fudge, I love fudge. It tastes so delicious I have to stop myself from eating too much.

    Kit3247(at)aol(dot)com

    December 08, 2012
    • Me too – Christmas is the only time I have fudge, but boy is it good then.

      December 08, 2012
  • Natalie

    My favourite holiday guilty pleasure: cookies with a cup of S’mores hot chocolate from Second Cup.

    December 08, 2012
    • Oooh, especially if the cookies are shortbread…

      December 08, 2012
  • Trix

    I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, but I certainly eat certain silly chocolate things I wouldn’t go for the rest of the year!

    December 08, 2012
    • Good for you, Trix. Enjoy it wholeheartedly, or don’t do it. Guilt is a waste of time.

      December 08, 2012
  • kimmyl

    Girdle buster or divinity!!!!! I could eat it all day!
    readingdiva@ymail.com

    December 08, 2012
    • There’s a lot of different versions of both of these – which ones are your favorite?

      December 08, 2012
  • My favorite guilty Christmas pleasure is buying a hazelnut hot chocolate from Starbucks.

    yadkny@hotmail.com

    December 08, 2012
    • Ooh …I don’t like flavourings in my *coffee*, but this does sound good.

      December 08, 2012
  • Liz S

    Loved the trailer park letter! What a hoot! My sister makes a stained glass jello that is awesome. I could eat the whole thing for dinner! And of course, chocolate!

    December 09, 2012
    • That brought back memories… my mom used to make a stained-glass jello dessert too. Beautiful, but I still prefer cheesecake!

      December 09, 2012
  • D'Ann Lindun

    Too funny! Love it!

    December 09, 2012
    • Hey D’Ann nice to see you! Glad you enjoyed it!

      December 09, 2012
  • April

    Thanks for the awesome giveaway! I need books for the holiday break! My guilty pleasure is rum balls. Best cookie ever!
    grapeapril75(AT)gmail.com

    December 09, 2012
    • Oh yeah, rum balls. Mmmm…

      December 09, 2012
  • Judy-Ree

    My guilty pleasure is eggnog. I know, seems simple, but I am lactose intolerant. In order to enjoy it, I have to load up on dairy ease and make sure that I don’t have to work (or go to far from a bathroom) for the next 2 days. (Yes, yes, I know, Oversharing.)

    Merry Christmas and thanks for the blog stop.

    Bookworm (dot) judy (at) gmail (dot) com

    December 09, 2012
    • Hey, I’m queen of oversharing myself. Drives my kids nuts. I LOVE knowing I’m not alone! Merry Christmas, Judy!

      December 09, 2012
  • bn100

    chocolate

    bn100candg(at)hotmail(dot)com

    December 09, 2012
  • Lisa

    i love all things chocolate and christmas is over flowing with chocolate

    December 10, 2012
    • You and so many others! Hope the New Year doesn’t see you in withdrawal!

      December 11, 2012
  • Ellen T

    I would love to get a Christmas letter like that! I also love the Turtle cake that my mom makes every year for Christmas dinner. It is chocolate cake with a layer of caramel and nuts in the middle and she only makes it once a year because it is so rich. Merry Christmas and thanks for the giveaway!

    December 10, 2012
    • Oooh turtle cake sounds like my kind of thing. Caramel and nuts and chocolate cake? Inspired.

      December 11, 2012
  • kym

    hmm, quilty pleasure..Id have to say buckeyes. We make 10 dozen to give away on the cookie trays, and its always..Ill have two, maybe two more. Later in the day..ohhh, just two.

    Merry Christmas ~
    Kym
    flwrs4ever(at)yahoo(dot)com

    December 10, 2012
    • Buckeyes – there’s another new one to me. What’s in them?

      December 11, 2012
  • JanD

    I watch more movies on Lifetime because they are sweeter and nicer than usual.
    bituin76 at hotmail dot com

    December 10, 2012
    • They really seem to fit this time of year, don’t they? Good thing I’m all caught up on Sons of Anarchy because that’s not quite the mentality I need to cultivate in this season of socializing.

      December 11, 2012
  • Carla

    My guilty pleasure is holiday junk food. I make and eat cookies for the entire season. My excuse is I need to taste the cookies before I send them out.
    planterofhope at aol dot com

    December 11, 2012
    • Christmas cookies are irresistible, so pretty and yummy, and it’s only once a year.

      December 11, 2012
  • JOYE

    My guilty pleasure is to treat myself to a day at The Red Door spa in Scottsdale, Az after the holidays. Can’t wait

    December 11, 2012
    • OH YEAH! Spa time is definitely up there for me too. But I’d suggest you give up the guilt entirely – that pleasure is a necessity!

      December 11, 2012
  • Julianne

    My guilty pleasure is spending time reading after everyone has gone to bed. I can curl up under a blanket, get comfortable and read the night away.

    December 11, 2012
    • It’s the BEST time for reading – any day of the year!

      December 13, 2012
  • I love my family, but it’s BIG, and it gets a bit crazy around the holidays. My guilty pleasure is drinking too much wine at my aunt’s house while the kids are tearing up the basement like the little hellions they are. Dear Hubby drives, so I ‘m safe. ;)

    December 12, 2012
    • The perfect way (and reason!) to imbibe over the holidays! Mine are all teetotalers and I’ve long been tempted to spike the punch, just because, well, it HELPS.

      December 13, 2012
  • Oh my, I love the story! My guilty pleasure is all the shopping the day after christmas.

    December 12, 2012
    • Glad you enjoyed it, Erica! My girls always go gift-card spending on the 26th, but if I went out then, I’d end up punching someone. Ahem, not a crowd-person here.

      December 13, 2012
  • My favorite holiday guilty pleasure is chocolate <3 peppermint chocolate is always good during this time of year mm

    December 13, 2012
    • My daughters are huge fans of peppermint chocolate, too! Me, I like my chocolate with caramel and nuts… mmm…

      December 13, 2012
  • Daniel M

    homemade fudge is my fav guilty pleasure!

    December 13, 2012
    • You’ve got lots of company in this club!

      December 13, 2012
  • My holiday guilty pleasure is Bailey’s every night… because I should feel really guilty for being such a lush but it just would feel wrong any other time of year. lol

    December 13, 2012
    • It just seems right, doesn’t it?

      December 13, 2012
  • donnas

    snickerdoodles with hot chocolate

    bacchus76 at myself dot com

    December 13, 2012
    • Cookies and chocolate… I’m sensing a theme!

      December 16, 2012
  • Joy F

    I eat a lot of cookies at Christmas.
    Any kind.

    December 14, 2012
    • More cookies… you’re in good company, Joy!

      December 16, 2012
  • Tina B

    That was hilarious!! Thank you for that funny letter. :)
    My guilty holiday pleasure is cookies! Peanut butter, chocolate chip, sugar and snickerdoodle.
    I love them all! Thank you for the wonderful giveaway.
    Thank you also for the great giveaway.
    trb0917 at gmail.com

    December 14, 2012
    • Glad you enjoyed it, Tina!

      December 16, 2012

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