Day 125, Yup 125 Bikram Yoga classes in 2011
That’s all I’m going to say about yoga right now. Next topic:
Can I be honest?
This isn’t an opening gambit, ala Joan Rivers or Oprah. Nor is it a request for permission. It’s not even a rhetorical question. It’s an actual question, one I’ve been asking myself for, I don’t know, about four decades.
Not sure I’ve ever asked it out in the open, though.
Pretense has always been a burr under my saddle. Maybe because I grew up Mennonite, which like most upbringings is a mixed bag of blessing and challenge. But the “Praise the Lord, we love the Emperor’s new clothes,” aspect of enforced happiness always made my jaw hurt. Of course, maybe it’s not the Mennonites’ fault; maybe it’s chronic low serotonin levels. Maybe it’s because my Sun sign is Scorpio. (And Moon, Mercury and Neptune. Which would explain the brooding.) Maybe it’s my Introvert-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging personality. A first-born, a mesomorph body type, a middle-aged menopausal woman working through the throes of an identity crisis.
Who knows? (And who cares, right?)
Well, here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m alone in my existential questioning. I suspect there are a lot of women in the grocery store, clinging to their sanity like it’s the last can of beans in the bomb shelter, but smiling, smiling, smiling, wondering what on earth they’re doing wrong and how come they’re the only ones not in on the secret to lasting happiness and personal fulfillment?
Okay, I’m a little idealistic. Scorpio, remember?
So I try to ride that fine line between healthy honesty, and being the weird close-talking neighbor who tells you all about her recent hemorrhoid surgery within your first ten minutes of meeting.
Here’s where it connects to yoga: honesty is related to stamina. Endurance. Steadfastness. Stick-to-it-iveness. Hangin-in-there. Doing what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it. No excuses, no “oops”, no “sorry, I meant to” or “I was going to next Thursday,” or when it wasn’t raining, or the dollar picked up, or the yen went down, or your mood stabilized. And no “I didn’t think it would be this hard” or “but I got tired” or “I forgot.”
That all sounds pretty judgmental, doesn’t it? When it comes to interpersonal relationships, honesty is a key player. The closer the relationship, the more important trust is. And the bigger the betrayal when it is broken. “Forgive and forget” is a nice idea and has its place but “forgive and file it away for future use” is human reality, and sometimes the only way to check repeat-offenders.
Personally, when it comes to conflict I’m a natural-born fan of avoidance, denial and the Armani-clad Emperor.
But I’m facing it.
Can I be honest? It might be my biggest challenge.
Even bigger than Standing-Head-to-Knee.
Day 100 Canucks Game 100
I don’t want to take all the credit, I mean, after all, the guys are playing great hockey. They’re on fire. That counts for something.
But my 100th day of Bikram yoga falling on the Canucks 100th game of the season? Come on. Can’t be a coincidence.
You’re welcome, Ryan Kesler. Call me.
Day 98 Function Before Form
In case anyone was wondering, beer and yoga do not mix. Not when we’re talking Bikram Yoga, and I’m on my 98th consecutive day.
Today, the Vancouver Canucks played the San Jose Sharks at noon. By chance, some dear friends of ours were in town and able to watch with us. We had brunch together, and later, as the game went from great to awesome, we switched from coffee to beer. I don’t drink much, and knew it wasn’t the smartest move to add a second diuretic to my system, but what can I say? I like beer, I love my friends, the Canucks were rockin’ and well… I felt a little what-the-hell-ish.
I’ve had several very strong days in a row. I figured if I wimp out at today’s class I’ve earned it.
And I did okay – until the floor series. It’s strange that my energy seems fine for the standing series, which are aerobically more challenging, only to wilt and fizzle once I’m lying down. I wonder why?
My progress in the standing series is coming along nicely, I’m happy to report. Standing-Head-to-Knee doesn’t bother me much anymore. I still can’t hold my legs out for long, and Head hasn’t met Knee yet, but I couldn’t get either leg out straight at all, for a long time. Even the set-up was very challenging. So the progress is significant, if not particularly visible.
And the longer I do this, the less I care about the visible changes. I mean, sure, I’d like to be slender and willowy again like I was in my twenties, but only if I could get there without strenuous dieting. Which I can’t. And I find myself being less critical about my body, as I push the boundaries and discover new abilities. The pain in my hips I moaned about three months ago? Gone.
Slowly but surely, I’m changing my body, lengthening ligaments, tendons and muscles. When I began this, 98 days ago, I figured I’d see a massive overhaul of my physical self in 30 days. Then I got real; obviously it would take 60 before I’d be a super-model. Somewhere after that, I realized my physical self was never going to be on the cover of Yoga Journal, and that the real changes, the important changes, would come from the inside out.
Function before form, substance over style. I’m working on the essence of who and what I am.
Should’a guessed it might take more than 30 days.