Take that, cholesterol.
- At June 07, 2012
- By Roxanne Snopek
- In Life, Roxanne Writes On
- 2
With all the comings and goings in our house lately, proper meals are a hit and miss affair. I know it’s typical of this stage of life; kids hopping up and down on the brink of the nest… dad finally trading his 60-hour work weeks for some fun stuff … and me with my predictably random schedule. (By the by, did you know that the term “freelance” comes from the Medieval name for soldiers who hired themselves out for whoever would pay them. Game of Thrones calls them “sellswords.” Boom. You’ve just been Clavened.)
But as I was saying, thank goodness for frozen thin-crust spinach pizza. And tortellini, without which I believe my youngest would have succumbed to starvation. Alone in her room. Neglected and forgotten, as last-borns always are. Or so they believe.
Yesterday, however, we are all around to eat at the same time, so I made a proper dinner. Salmon with lemon-dill sauce, my famous Kitchen Sink salad (don’t ask for the recipe, it changes every time) and fresh asparagus, grilled and tossed with olive oil and lemon juice. Check out the plate: more than half-full of veggies.
I feel so virtuous, I may have to go to Starbucks for a lemon-cranberry scone.
Is It Just Me…?
…or does this drive anyone else nuts, too?
Scenario:
You’re in the kitchen, cooking dinner for the spawn. Mate is due home anytime and you’re running late. The phone rings. You turn down the heat on the pasta sauce.
“Hello?” You stir the sauce, phone propped between shoulder and ear. “Hello!”
Nobody there. You turn the heat back up and start the water boiling for the spaghetti. Phone rings again.
“Hello!” you snap.
“Hello?” says a voice on the other end. You don’t recognize it.
“Who is this?” There’s a suspicious smell coming from the stove.
“Hello? Is this Liz? I’m looking for Liz.”
“No Liz here!” You stir the sauce, which is now sticking to the the pan. The water is boiling, so you toss in the estimated amount of pasta, which you know won’t be the right amount, but whatever.
The phone rings again.
No voice on the other end.
“Still no Liz here,” you say, before hitting the button, wishing there was a way to slam down a cordless phone.
Then. It. Rings. Again.
You take a deep breath. “Liz died!!” 411, moron. Look it up.
A pause. Then, “Honey? What’s going on?”
Not a single phone call all day long, but the moment you get involved in something time sensitive, it’s a fricking alarm clock.
You hear laughter. From behind him. He’s not listening to you.
“I’m in a bar,” he says, interrupting you.
“What do you want? Spit it out! I’m busy!” He doesn’t hear you. Although to be fair, how could he? It’s seriously loud in there. Loud enough that he can’t hear you, you can barely hear him. In fact, why the hell did he call in the first place.
“Is there supper tonight?” he yells. Happy hour’s come and gone, you think.
“There would be,” you yell back, “but I keep getting interrupted.”
“I can’t hear ya, babe,” he says, laughing at something someone else is yelling. “I’m gonna hang out here for awhile. Is that okay? Love you!”
He hangs up. The pasta sauce is burning. The noodles are boiling over.
I could kill him with my brain.
Best. Grade 12 History Project. EVER.
- At January 23, 2012
- By Roxanne Snopek
- In Roxanne Writes On
- 0
A+ for a creative – if slightly disturbing – history assignment. And major props to the teacher for sending students out into the Twitterverse.
1. Unit 4 (Bay of Pigs)
@Castro#1
Slaughtered the one and only CIA! Sent them running with their tails between their legs. #Cuba4THEWIN
@CubaCandy45
DATS WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT!! #Cubarocks #HowdoesthatfeelUSA
@Castro#1
Dear God… #WHATHAVEWEDONE
@KenDoll4President
Sorry you had to find out this way. #CubaStillRocks
@KenDoll4President
Whoopsies! #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen…
@UScitizens
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! #You’reinBIGtrouble #JKcomeforwardPLS
@KenDoll4President
Ummmm… #HonestMistake
@USmilitary88
Oooh, you’s in trooouubbllee… #Wouldn’tWantToBeAmericanRightNow
@USmilitary88
Deep trouble! I feel ya, man. JK you suck!! Oink, oink!! #AndSoItWasDecreed…
@Castro#1
FML. #Life.Over.
2. Unit 5 (6 day war)
@MosheMan
Greatest territories gained by Israel in SIX FREAKING DAYS!! Where the party at?? #WE’RENUMBER1
@I’mIsraeliyo666
Call Guinness, this has to be a record. #kickingsome@$$
@MosheMan
Fo Shizzle. #ICanFinallyPutInThatPool
@MosheMan
WTF WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! #OutOfTheLoop #USUCK
@Nasser4life
Snooze you lose, bubba! #AwkwardButAwesome
@MosheMan
IMMA KILL U #RevengeIsBestServedANYTIME
@Nasser4life
Use proper English, please. #HateAbbreviations
@MosheMan
You know where you can shove that? You stupid little—
@Nasser4life
Whoaa, no need for name calling! Let’s be civil here. #Didn’tYourMotherEverTellYou…
@MosheMan
…Eyepatch. #GoingDownWithABang
@Nasser4life
OKAY NOW YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT. #KeepMyEyepatchOutOfIt!!
@Nasser4life
Sooo…we kind of have no place to live… #Nomorepovertypls
@EgyptCitizens
I’m getting to it. #JUSTGIVEMEAMINUTE
@MosheMan
What’s all this then? #WWIIIPLEASE
@USSRpeeps111
Nothing!! Absolutely nothing!! #Can’tAnyoneKeepASecretAnymore
@USAladiesandgents
Awwkkwwaarrdddd… #CloseCall
3. Unit 6 (Rosa Parks)
@XMan666
Soooo I got kicked off the bus today because I wouldn’t give up my seat to this middle aged white woman with a serious stick up her @$$. #FML
@RosesNParks
Ouch. We should go protest!! #TimeIsNow
@BlackPantherBros99
Dude. No one’s blowing up anything. Chill. #NotThatMad
@RosesNParks
No violence? I applaud you. #Let’sTalkAboutOurFeelings
@MLKjr
Omg can we just stop with the sweet talk already? Or is the plan to kill all the racists with diabetes? #TalkingDoesNOTHING
@BlackPantherBros99
The goal is to not kill anything, young grasshopper. #UseYourWords
@MLKjr
…..What? #WTFutalkingabout
@RosesNParks
WTF why didn’t you just give up your seat?? #PeepleRStoopid
@IWANTYOURSEATlady60
STFU AND GTFO. #WellSaid