What Would You Do?
- At February 21, 2013
- By Roxanne Snopek
- In Life, Roxanne Writes On
- 0
Life with my Mr.(Always)Right and the Saffrines has its ups and downs, naturally. Some I share here; some are hidden deep in the vault. Typical, ordinary stuff of life.
Not like this.
This will make you wonder how some parents survive…
Yoga: Not For Everyone…
… or at least, not for this dude. The following ad has been circulating amongst yoga enthusiasts for awhile and I first read it on my studio newsletter. It’s awesome!
***
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
The “Anyone Can Paint” Art Project
- At August 07, 2011
- By Roxanne Snopek
- In Life, Roxanne Writes On
- 0
This is my latest project, for my friend Elizabeth, of Elizabeth’s Wildlife Center.
I always drew and painted as a child, but it wasn’t until after my own daughters had been taking art classes for years, that it occurred to me that I might enjoy taking it up again, myself.
So, a few years ago, I started taking a water-colour class with local artist Donna Senft. And what do you know, I love it!
Recently, I got adventurous with some enormous mixed-media projects. Well, the real reason is the two enormous blank walls in my husband’s new animal hospital, just crying out for some colour. I figured, I might as well take a stab at some BIG decorative canvases. My idea was a little vague, but I thought it could come together into something amazing. Donna always says the great thing about me is that I’m not afraid of the paint. I’ll slap it on any which way, figuring I can always change it later if I don’t like it.
A good thing, as it turned out.
Curious about my process? Here’s a step-by-step, following the progress of three new pictures I did over about a weekend, last month.
I bought three big canvases from Michael’s store, two 24×48, one 24×36.
Before anything else, attach your hangers. You don’t want to do this once the picture’s finished – you might ruin the surface. Tip: unless you have a very brave and trusting toddler, hold those teeny-tiny nails with needle-nosed pliers.
Next, I roughed out the stencil placement.
Then, I prepped each canvas with texture. On a smaller picture I’d use proper artist’s gesso, but at about 10 times the cost, for these big surfaces? Home Depot Polystipple. This is fun. You slop it on any old way, so it creates interesting cracks and crevices for the paint to collect. (Hm. That reminds me, I’m out of lipstick.) But make sure to leave a fairly flat space for the stencil.
Once the texture is dry, cover the surface with a base coat of colour. I used the same paint we used for the walls as my base. I mean the same paint, as in the half-empty cans of latex the painters left for touch-ups. Really, this isn’t fancy.
Then I started adding colour. I’ve got a checker-board theme going, so I continued it here.
I liked how these were coming together. So naturally, I went the next step.
Q: Why wouldn’t you add a crooked swath of blood?
A: Because that’s not the desired ambiance for a veterinary hospital. Duh.
Fortunately, latex is pretty forgiving while it’s wet. I just washed it off, then painted over it.
Once I got the base more or less how I wanted it, I added some droplets, drips and splotches. Acrylic latex is wonderful for this kind of treatment.
Then I got going on the stencils. These are custom designed by The Mad Stencilist, ordered online, shipped to my door. Super convenient.
I had to do a few touch ups around the edges of the letters on this one, but that’s basically it. Voila!